Friday, December 23, 2011

Christmas Epiphany

I dug this blog out from my old myspace blogging days...I believe it is an oldie but a goodie...What do you think?

My latest bathroom epiphany  is about Santa Claus.
****Spoiler Alert*******Innocents Read No Further!!!**********
I have come to the conclusion that Santa Claus came into existence to teach us how to give selflessly.
Seriously, giving is always great.  You give a gift to someone, you see their eyes light up "Oh!  It's just want I always wanted!"  What a great feeling you get.  Admit it.  You give to get that good feeling of making someone happy.  I do.  Its very selfish and I am well aware of it.  But so what?  Its a win win situation.
Then there is Santa Claus.  Parents, year round, put up with, "But mommy I want it!"  "Why not, daddy?"  "You're a mean mom and I hate you!"  But Santa?  Oh, he's the best!  I love Santa!  Yeah, me too! 
Whatever Santa brings is perfect.  Just what I always wanted.   Although, I do recall a few Christmases Santa brought me bras and underwear and I thought, "You sadistic little..."  He KNEW my parents would be video taping this moment to watch and rewatch as I unwrap my little A cup bras and floral panties.  Someday, my husband will be forced to watch those embarrassing moments.
I think back now, how my parents never once blurted out, "Hey!  I gave you that Barbie Dream House equipped with real bubbling hot tub!  I am the best!  Your Santa Claus is a fraud!  A sham!  LOVE MEEEEEEE!!!"
They pretended that all they could afford was one little box with a new shirt or skirt inside.  Meanwhile Santa must have gotten a celebrity discount at Toys R Us or went shopping on triple coupon day, showering us ungrateful children with piles of perfectly wrapped gifts. 
I love the idea of Santa Claus.  The magic of waking up and finding a pile of gifts where there was only a chair the night before.  Where there was only a wrinkly old stocking, now stretched to its limit hanging from the mantle awaited my own personal sock full of joy...lipgloss, jewelry, candy...everything! 
But what I love more is the idea of my selfless parents, who never took credit where credit is due.  For all those years of filling my Christmas Eves with magical anticipation and my Christmas morns with piles of gifts I hardly believe I deserved, I heartily thank you.  You deserve all the credit of Santa and none of the screaming children tinkling in your lap at the mall!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

I Love Everyone...and You're Next

Those of you who know me wouldn't categorize me as a "rabid Christian"...or a Christian rabbi, for that matter...But at this time of year I start to think a lot about my atheist friends and what the season means to them.

A local city hall is currently in a battle with one of their resident atheists regarding the nativity scene they have on their municipal grounds.  I am not sure if they have other religions represented as well, that wasn't mentioned.  But I have driven by other city halls to see light up menorahs beside the glowing, plastic baby Jesus.  I find it perfectly acceptable.  Although tacky in all its plastic splendor, it is merely a symbol for what the citizens are reflecting on this time of year.

However, in this particular municipality, an atheist is insisting that the nativity scene is offensive unless he can also display his atheist sign stating: "There are no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell.  There is only our natural world.  Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.”

Read more:

Now, forgive my ignorance of atheist beliefs, I haven't had atheistic leanings since I was a semi-rebellious  teenager, but isn't atheism the "absence of belief?"  I am sure it isn't so cut and dry as that, but to me, if you were an atheist, seeing a nativity display or a menorah or whatever would be no different than if city hall displayed a statue of The Simpsons sitting on a couch on their front lawn.  To an atheist, religion is mere fiction.  So, why be offended by a nativity scene?  Or is this the same person who wrote MTV back in the 1990s to get BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD to stop saying the word "Fire" because it encouraged people to set fires?  Do they believe a plastic nativity scene is a subliminal recruiting tool?

It just seems silly to me is all.  In our society we have a bunch of people desperately searching for something to offend them so they have excuses to scream rude things or serve their neighbors with legal papers.  When people get mad at you for saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas," that is just as bad as the atheist gentlemen pitching his hissy fit at city hall.  I merely said, "Happy Holidays" I said nothing about fornicating with your mother.  What is the big deal?  It was a positive statement, I am not trying to take Christ out of Christmas, I just didn't want to have to spend 3 hours determining which religious holiday (or not) you may be celebrating before wishing you a good one...Also, "Happy Holidays" covers Boxing Day, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, President's Day, Ground Hog Day, etc in case I don't see you before then or someone whacks you in celebration of Godfather's Day.

So, if you are an atheist, please do share why you are so sensitive to the "faerie tales" that give other people peace in their lives.  Most of us aren't out their to drag you kicking and screaming to church.  I think I learned my lesson after The Crusades.  If you believe in the Flying Spaghetti Man, please do make a glowing plastic likeness of him and offer him to your city hall to display on their front lawn.  But to merely make a sign that says "I am smart and you are dumb" is not freedom of speech.  It's just spiteful.  And frankly, unnecessary.  Why can't you be like the rest of us and just think or blog about the stupidity of the world?  Must you make a sign, too?  If that's the case, display your hatred on your own front lawn.  

I am a Christian.  The thought that there is life after this gives me hope and peace and something to live this life towards.  It may not make sense.  But neither does my fear of jello.  It's just who I am.  

Sometimes I feel sorry for people who don't believe in God or Heaven.  To think that this life is it and then nothing just makes everything so dark and depressing to me.  But I would never put a sign up to say, "Atheists are depressing"...Nah, I'd just write a blog about it.

So, I would just like to say to anyone who is reading this right now, I truly wish you a happy holiday...whatever you are celebrating.  And whether or not you believe that there is life after this one, try to make the best of what you have now...and share the love and kindness with those around you.  

And for the love of *insert deity or favorite faerie tale character name here* stop being so freaking sensitive!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Love & Marriage

So, my sister got married this weekend.  As you can see, she had a great time and was devastatingly beautiful...I cried...a lot!  And I don't really consider myself a crier...

But let me start at the beginning.  Of course, Dana was stressed the night before, and I tried to keep her calm...But of course, I don't have those skills.  No one really slept the night before...including Jeff who was sick AND had a band gig the night before. 

As Jeff drove me that early morning to the salon to get my hair and makeup done, we also had Brompton in the car.  He was going to stay at my parent's house that night so that Jeff and I could stay in the hotel with the bridal party.  My iphone was in my pocket and locked, although the bluetooth was connected to my GPS.  Suddenly, Brompton kicks me in the side and the phone says, "Calling Vet"!  Jeff says, "Brompton, what's wrong?"
It's like a one and a million move that Brompton would kick my locked phone causing it to unlock, scroll through my contacts and dial the Vet!  What the heck!? 
So, I had a good early morning laugh.
Then at the salon, it turns out my hair stylist was also named Jackie, but my makeup artist used to do theatre with me back when I was in Macomb Jr Players!  Such a small world!

Next laugh came when mom came to drop off the wedding dress.  She took me to the back room and asked "Wanna see the girls?"  She unzipped her jacket to show her amazing new push up bra!  I fell back, laughing, but that really was a nice bra doing an amazing job! :)

We got on the limo bus to see Eric's Aunt Kathy had made us a gift basket for the limo stock full of delicious goodies!  I was glad because I had eaten nothing yet, but didn't intend to eat until at least after the ceremony to preserve my makeup.

Meadow Brook Manor was beautiful, and my sister really fit in with the architecture in her lace gown.  But it was kinda odd and off putting that people were pushing past us as we waited to walk down the aisle, because they were still conducting tours!  Even during the ceremony, we saw lookieloos...Which as an actor, I found cool, but non-show offy people might have been uncomfortable.

I began to cry the second I started walking down the aisle...That picture is going to be hideous!  I cried mostly because this was finally happening and now nothing, not even selfish people who had been previously stressing her out, could ruin it for my sister at this point.

As soon as she came down the aisle and saw my blubbering face, she started to cry too...Okay, so I ruined it for it...Dammit...

The ceremony was unique and very sweet...I am not sure exactly what was said because I had to keep singing "poop poop poop" over and over in my head to keep from crying...I am sure I made some snarky remarks too...You get ridiculous Jacquie or you get uncontrollably sobbing Jacquie...I pick ridiculous...makes people less uncomfortable and I have less snot bubbles in photos.

My husband was the head usher and he worked his tail off (seriously, we haven't seen his tail since the wedding) despite being sick.  But he was wonderful.  And Dana's planner, Danielle was a hero to us all.

We took some photos at the manor, but we were being hurried out because apparently another wedding was being held there the same day!  Wow...high turn over!

The photographers teased me for showing shoulder in some photos...I said, "I know I am dripping with organic peanut butter."
"Did she say peanut butter?!" one photographer asked.
"Organic peanut butter" the other clarified...
Yep, still being ridiculous...Don't stop me now!

We got in the limo and went to the middle school where Dana and Eric first met when they were kids.  They took some adorable photos there.  Then we went to check into our hotel for the evening.  (After stopping for more beer....seriously, no one could wait til we got to the reception? C'mon!)

Then there was the reception.  I was soooo nervous to give my Megatron of Honor speech (remember, every time you say "Matron of Honor" my hips get a little wider).  I had the speech on my iphone and I was shaking so much that I kept clearing the screen.  I didn't disappoint.  I still wrote a short play about Dana & Eric (with Jeff playing a very convincing Eric), but I was more proud of my final line,which got me blubbering all over again:
     So if I have to say something poignant, I guess it would be this:
May God bless you both.  I am so glad I can call you sister and now you brother...But I am more proud that I can call you my friends.  
        To family.  To friendship.  To Dana & Eric.

Jeff  thought I copied it from somewhere, so I felt proud that it sounded so good.  Still I shook and fumbled through the whole it might not have gone over as well as I wrote it.  Stupid stage fright!  And I am an actor!

Then there was the buffet and the photo booth...Oh how we loved the photo booth!

But the dancing was actually a lot of fun too!  I blame my years at Tony & Tina's Wedding. I am no longer embarrassed to dance like a fool in front of people.  I danced with my daddy a LOT!  Everyone loves to watch my daddy dance!  He has SKILLZ! 
All in all, I really think it was a wonderful wedding.  And I can understand my sister being sad that it is over now.  But I can't wait to look at the photos and the video and relive it all again!  She should be so proud that she pulled off such a classy affair, even though she is a Floyd girl!  I am proud!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Sometimes I feel...

...the only thing I contribute to this world is the timely scooping of Brompton's poop...