Playing the Pretty Game

I am not really sure if anyone even sees this particular blog. Which I guess is why its so freeing to be so brutally honest about the ugly thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis. Perhaps I need counseling, but that shit's expensive and would depress me when my wallet becomes thinner than I'll ever be.

The more I reflect on this STARRING YOU networking event I attended, I never felt less of a "star" in my life. I thought Jeff and I looked good. But, apparently we weren't attractive enough to get tours, photographs or swag. That in itself makes me doubt myself when I feel pretty.

I have been told before by casting directors "You are so talented and perfect for this role...Unfortunately we need someone pretty/thin"

I have also been told, "You're so young, pretty and talented. We definitely want to use you but don't know where!" Then they give me the understudy role to the old woman character! Not the one young woman character. So were they being saracastic? Because the old woman character is actually being played by a man in this show!

I kept seeing footage of Jordan in her pretty girl role in WANT at the event. It just seems like she just waltzed into the business and things fall in her lap while I've been doing this since I was 8 and can't seem to catch a break because I am not pretty like the Jordans, Graces, Amys, Gigis, Stacys etc out there...If I could just have ONE thing that makes me special. ONE thing that makes me stand out, I might get somewhere in life. But I am stuck being boring old, unattractive me.

My heart aches.

I wonder, what does it mean to never give up on something? Is it possible I have given up long ago and don't know it yet? I have accepted my fate on some subconscious level and I continue to sabotage myself at auditions because what's the point?

There's a fire in my belly that wants to succeed, but somehow I think its my appearance alone that prevents me from getting that brass ring. How that affects me as a playwright, I'll never know. Aside from the fact that my self motivation is slowly dying with my dreams.

Why am I not worth it? Why am I not worth "the risk?"

Why can't I just let this go and make something actually work for myself instead of comparing myself to the beautiful people in the world?

I say all the time, "I know who I am." But do I really? I don't think so.

I used to wish all the time to be one of those "unapproachable beauties." Somehow, in a dire situation, my beauty alone could save my life.

I still wish for that now and then, but its clearly unattainable...now I mostly wish to find something that makes me special.

Boxfest Schedule!

Who can make it? Who wants to go and when?
(My plays are in box 4, box 5 and box 6)


See website for details Boxfest

Box 1 Monologues by Kelly Rossi directed by JAIME MOYER
The Opal Show by Kim Carney directed by SHANNON FERRANTE

Box 2 Fabula Rasa by Joanna Hastings directed by JACKIE STREZ
Unraveled by Callie McKee directed by MICHELLE HELD

Box 3 Something Called America by Franco Vitella directed by ELAINE HENDRIKS SMITH
Speed Dating by Audra Lord directed by FRANNIE SHEPHERD-BATES

Box 4 Life as We Knew It by Jake Christensen directed by ALISON CHRISTY
Big Game by Molly Thomas directed by DIVIIN HUFF
Squisher's Atonement by Jacquelyn Priskorn directed by MOLLY MCMAHON
Strip Club by Kristen Wagner directed by LINDA RABIN HAMMELL

Box 5 Vaccination by Lori Eaton directed by TRUDY MASON
Fan-C-Cuts by Jacquelyn Priskorn directed by ANGIE FERRANTE
Lesbians by Kelly Rossi directed by KELLY ROSSI

Box 6 Coffeehouse Boos by Jacquelyn Priskorn directed by RACHEL BELLACK
Dodging the Bullet by Andy Orscheln directed by LYNDSAY MICHALIK

Disappointment Hidden by Joy

So, I doubt I will ever pay money to attend a "networking" event again. Especially one that promises a crapload of "freebies" that they ran out of in the first hour. We spent $15 apiece to get in, and had to pay for our drinks and tip the valet. Yet, we met probably one or two new people (because it was so dark and loud in there) and got a free plate of mushroom tortellini and one free "signature" drink out of the deal.

From now on, I am just going to throw parties at my house, charge people to get in AND to drink and call it a networking event.

I LOVED hanging with friends I hadn't seen in a while. And having a reason to get dressed up was neat. But we didn't get half the things that were promised with our admission price.

The price of admission is only $15.00 per person to enjoy the following:

A complimentary arrival photograph on the red-roped carpet under the search lights at Stage 3. got our pics taken, but not given a copy...doubt they plan to "search us out" to give it.

Complimentary Henry Fox Wineries wine bar. Only pinot noir at the complimentary bar. If you wanted any other kind of wine, $8-$12

Complimentary hors d'oeuvres served butler style by Chen Chow Brasserie. It was next to impossible for me to catch those folks...I honestly felt they were ignoring me...big girls need to eat, too! Screw you for judging me.

6 cash bars hosted by Chen Chow Brasserie. Definitely spent money there!

Late-night pizza by Juliano’s.
never saw that, but we left at 10:45pm...I thought the event was only supposed to go til 11pm anyway...

Late night cappuccino bar. Never saw that

Live music and DJ. Definitely heard that...still hearing that.

Outdoor screening of film trailers by Michigan producers. Never found that...should've been signs directing people to these things.

A guided tour of all 3 floors of Stage 3 studios Never got that...never saw where they started!

Photo op with the screenwriter and star Gordon Michaels of the recently released feature film “Unbeatable Harold” and his original 1959 Pink Cadillac Coupe Deville convertible “Jackpot” that appears in the film. View the film’s trailer at www.UnbeatableHarold.com. This film is currently enjoying its national release in theaters that started on June 12, 2009. He snubbed my friend Paul and I think Paul knew him!

Displays of the latest movie-making technology. I saw a warehouse full of Fernels (is that how its spelled?) and a display of makeup with a skinny girl in body paint and a paint shop display (run by a former student of my father-in-law) and the Uptown Palladium.

Guest appearance of Movie Show Plus TV host Greg Russell (http://vimeo.com/4260181) Talked to Greg for a long time, but I was in a movie with him. So its not like he hasn't made a "guest appearance" in my life before ;)

20 Displays of production and talent vendor services. Wait was that the paint display and body paint girl? Now I am confused.

Lamborghini display. Did not see that.

Precision parachute landing of daredevil and trainer Bernie Williams on the lawn of Stage 3 Studios at dusk. Missed that. Meh.

Silent auction of motion picture related goods and services. Missed that...I think...

Complimentary raffle ticket for motion picture related goods and services. Gave mine to Alora...couldn't stand in those shoes any longer and you had to be present to win. There were not enough places to sit down, even if you count the bathroom!

Complimentary gift bags containing party favors. So MAD that I didn't get that! I am a swag and gift bag girl and that was what encouraged me to buy a ticket!

Roaming photographers throughout the night capturing the moments. Yeah, a guy walked by me once, held the camera over his head and flashed a photo off without even looking...I know I am not photogenic, but show a little care! Hurt my feelings that I wasn't worth photographing.

Video of sponsors names, services and products plays throughout the event on several big screens. Yeah, I saw that...sort of...
****************************************************************************

So yeah. As a party to see folks I haven't seen in a while, it was fun. But for all the money we threw at it, I guess I was a little disappointed. I just wanted some swag, man. And to feel pretty or something. But I had to stand next to Mary, Jeff and Joe most of the night, so people approached them and not me...
I AM a superhero. Did you know that? I have the awesome power of invisibility!

Kinda scared

I have to go back to Troy Beaumont Hospital on Monday. The doctor heard a "murmur" while listening to my carotid artery on the left side of my neck.
So, I have an ultrasound scheduled for early Monday morning.
At first she was going to ignore it, seeing as how I have great blood pressure and cholesterol levels. But I mentioned how my sister got blood clots in her lungs after her spinal fusion surgery and then she was concerned...
My true hope is they DO find something and it explains why I have had those random neck pains all of my life.
But finding nothing at all would be nice too...aside from the fact that I will still have to pay for this obnoxious test...

My Intolerable Moral Ground

So, I don't really ask for much out of my relationships.
In fact, I am not a demanding friend or wife.
But I do have an irrational fear of cigarettes. They make me very sad AND they gross me out.

My husband, though he won't admit it, is addicted to them in social settings. If everyone else is doing it, he has to, too. He just has to be "cool" or something lame like that.

I cry just thinking about him smoking.

I told him, what I don't know won't hurt me, but if I find out I WILL hurt you.

Its a fair deal. I know he hangs out with certain people when I am not around (sometimes I am specifically not invited just because he fully intends to smoke at certain events). I am not stupid, but my marriage is worth more to me than my fears and disgust. So, I am learning to let that go.

But it really hurts my feelings when I am at an event with him and everyone is smoking and he pesters me to let him have "just one." That puts me in an awkward position. I have to put my foot down in front of other people.

I compromised my values for him in Texas, because I knew I wasn't going to win anyway. I was the only "loser" who didn't like smoking in that whole crowd. It was either put up with it, or find another way back to Michigan.

I have very strong feelings about smoking. I cannot put a finger on why it saddens me so. But it REALLY freaks me out.

I just don't think its nice or fair that I get treated like I am a psycho or a horrible person for not wanting to be around/kiss someone who has been/is smoking.

He claims he isn't addicted and that he can quit whenever he wants to, he just doesn't want to. That alone is a slap in the face. "I know it hurts you terribly, but I don't fucking care. You're a retard for having these feelings and I choose to ignore them for my own instant gratification."

This is the only sticking point I have with him really. The politics things are easily ignored. I just don't have passion about enough things to have fights about them. This I do feel passionately about. And yet I am made to feel like I am ruining his life for it.

It embarrasses me and hurts my feelings that every time we get around other smokers he begs me to let him have one. But I can't stop being me. I won't stop being me. We all know smoking is unhealthy and kills more than just the people who actually smoke the cigarettes. So, why am I the idiot?

Deep Down I am Still Shy

At the Griffin wedding reception last night, I realized at the heart of my soul, I am still a very shy person...I could only do so much mingling before I got uncomfortable and thought that I was imposing my personality on people and I should probably back off...
It's weird, because I know I put on a good show of being sociable. I just can't keep going that long. Its just like in Tony & Tina's Wedding. I am so grateful the show is over that I need to book out of there ASAP. I have socialized so long, my brain is buzzing.
Then there's Jeff. He thrives off of socializing. He is a huge flirt and everyone loves him at a party. And I get sad because I am so far away from that energy and I cannot penetrate that circle I feel left out.
Perhaps I am a writer at heart. Thomas Pinchon.
If I show up at a party, I will be the one with the paper bag over my head.

Is there anybody out there?

If no one really reads this blog, then I can say pretty much anything I want, right?





Poop!

Surreal Moment

I had a blast from the past when my old high school friend Marcus came over today to play some Scrabble like we did in the old days.
We ate Thai food, my mom brought pie and lemonade. I kinda felt like I did in high school, but with a little more confidence!
Then as I walked him to his car, I ran into my husband outside and slam! It was my adult world back! The two worlds collided together and I felt so giddy and happy. As much as I think my life isn't going in the direction I had hoped it would, I am married to such a wonderful man right now and the high school me was smitten when I ran into him in the driveway today. Smitten all over again.
Thanks for coming by, Marcus. You made me feel young again and I still liked being old at the end of the day!

I Hate Hating Myself

I preach a lot about not wasting your life hating yourself and your appearance, but I have spent most of today doing just that.
I feel fat. And that wouldn't be a huge deal aside from that fact that my line of work only seems to cater to the thin and attractive. This is the only line of work where you can go for a "job interview" (ie audition) and be told to your face that you are "perfect for the job, except we need someone thin and pretty in the role."
How am I to continue thinking I am a worthy human being when I am a talented person who can't use her talents unless she is beautiful? It seems ridiculous.
But I am not fat enough or funny looking enough to be the other roles that are out there either...
I should just become a reclusive writer. But I need to hear I am talented a lot. I need the "wow, that was great." It's so hard to get that when you never leave your house.
I am just so sad about everything today. My huge butt, my lack of work, my lack of motivation.
I can't get my lines down for the MMP show coming up on saturday. And in a way, I don't care. I hate the show and I hate the cast. I am just doing it as a favor and for a couple bucks at this point, I guess.
I don't really hate the cast. I just don't feel I can rely on anyone to keep the show moving should a line get dropped or something. I have a feeling we're going to stand there staring at one another in silence for a lot of the show...and that is like death, my friends.
Once I get past this first performance, I can focus more on writing and making my opportunities happen myself. But until then, this week has a dark cloud overhead.
I did a rare summer BS show today. It depressed me. I had no fun whatsoever. I think I am slowly getting my passion for performance killed. Doing the same crap over and over again can do that to you, I guess.
Writing and producing and making my own productions is my future.
I have a lot to offer. Any takers?

Oops. this was the scene I should have posted

Karey says this is Jeff and I!

Hmm...

I wonder how secret this blog is.
I haven't told anyone about it.
But that doesn't mean no one reads it...

Filming and Thinking

There's been a lot going on in my life and I barely can think straight enough for a 120 character update on the facebook let alone a coherent blog here.

This week I drove to Wyandotte to film a few scenes in a film called MONSTERS. I played a nine months pregnant wife of an AWOL soldier.
After wearing all that weight, I thought I would feel skinny when I got it off. Nope. I feel like a whale lately.
Been eating a lot of chips and candy and MMP rehearsals. I love me some chocolate and it sits there and calls to me.
I have gained like 6 lbs since April and I am not proud of myself.
Hopefully I can remedy this situation soon. I hate feeling "fat" when what I am is just 1 lb overweight.

I had a thought about my obsession with being 100 lbs. Why would I want to go through my entire life hating who I am? What a waste of a beautiful life I had been granted to me by God. I may not be the "beauty" that turns heads. Or the model that I always wished I was. But I am me and that should be good enough. Life is short and you need to appreciate every second of it. Hating who you are is not only a big "F you" to God who made you, but a big "F you" to everyone else on Earth who does love you. Saying I am fat and ugly is basically saying my handsome husband couldn't do any better so he settled for this mess. Of course my husband COULD have done better. But, perhaps he would have lost out on more important aspects of love that he DOES get from someone like me.

But I don't want to wax philosophical. It makes me weepy which gives me a headache and then I suck at Bejeweled. :)

I start filming EDDIE AND THE ALTERNATE UNIVERSE this weekend. I have a small role, but its still my first EVER paid film role.
I am so excited and proud of that. I am looking forward to seeing this finished project.
I've actually worked on a lot of films lately that look like they might be great. I can't wait to see them and have a much more intriguing reel out of the deal.

I watched the Michael Jackson memorial yesterday.
I didn't think I would give a rat's ass. But it was moving to see how many people were moved by him. He had a lot of dark days in his life. And while no one deserves to die, I think he actually may have been ready. As his brother said, "Perhaps now they will leave you alone."
I have a hard time believing a lot of the bad things said about him while he was alive, but regardless if they were true or not, his music and his charity work changed and influenced lives that are now a little more empty with his passing. He had family. He had children. For people to say "good riddance" to someone's father. That's also a big "F you," to someone who is innocent of the sins of the person they loved.
I gave Jeff a book, that someday I should read too. It's called IF GRACE IS TRUE. It basically says, everyone will be welcomed into Heaven. That is what grace and forgiveness is all about.
I believe that Heaven is a place that is pure happiness and love. And there are evil people out there, true. But many of them had mothers. Fathers. Loved ones. And their evils may have broken their loved ones hearts, but some love cannot be destroyed. Like a mother's love. And why must the mother be punished for the evils of her child? (unless she helped create them) Why must she be separated from her love in Heaven. She will have the good part of her child's soul at least, I hope. The innocent shall not suffer. In the end.

Dammit, I am going all philosophical again.

Jeff and I have been using our crappy ass grill a lot this summer. We really want a new one, so perhaps we're spending more time in our yard to justify buying a new one. Grilling is awesome.

I have three plays going up at Boxfest this summer. COFFEE HOUSE BOOS, SQUISHER'S ATONEMENT and FAN-C-CUTS. As I get more info, I'll share it here.

Lots of people have been going on "big film" auditions. I am kind of sad my agents aren't submitting me for any roles. But I am more sad that my one agent refuses to return my calls and rest my fears and concerns about my "missing paycheck" from a voice over I did in March. The rules are, the client should pay you within 90 days. Its been over 100 days. I have called my agent 6 times and left 6 messages. No return call even to say, "Sorry, Jacquie. Apparently this client is a douche and isn't getting back to me about your check. But rest assured I am on it."
Nope. I am being ignored and am clearly not a useful client. I get sent on maybe one audition every 6-9 months and I usually get the gig when they send me. But I rarely if ever get paid on time and I get treated like a nuisance when I call to see what the dealio is. Its hard to not take that personally.
Anybody else deal with agency crap like this? Am I handling this all wrong or what?

I am sure there is a lot more to be said seeing as how I haven't blogged in a while...but who wants to sit here and read all this as it is, right?

I promise, more funny next time. I am just feeling a little dark and overwhelmed these days.

And hungry.

Big girls gotta eat!