Monday, May 21, 2012


Sometimes I have ugly voices in my head.
Nearly all the time.
I have been called ugly and old and fat by casting people in the past. And, I handled it well as it happened, but I allowed it to fester and scar me . And THAT is my own fault.
I used to wish I was someone special.  Someone that people thought about and smiled. But the ugly voices in my head say, "Ha! As if!"
I have been pretty down for a while now. Even when the sane side of my brain KNOWS and REMINDS my crazy brain all the wonderful blessings in my life that should bring a smile to my face. I have relinquished my smile to ugly thoughts.
I HATE not having control over my emotions.
I think about the person I thought I was in high school. I thought I was a nobody, someone that people would just as soon run over with their cars than talk to in the hallway.
But now that the past is so far away, I think I was completely wrong.
People used to come to my house all the time. Unannounced. They just came to hang out, play Scrabble with me or my mom. My house was a safe place to be yourself.
And as terrible a friend as I am...well, not so much terrible, but lazy...many of these people still stay in touch with my mother and I today.
Some of these people felt outcast and unloved by the world, too. And somehow, they feel safe with me.
Some of these people are no longer with us. And I think they passed on thinking/knowing that I was a good person.
And THAT does make me special.  Even though I wasn't friends with the most "important"/popular people in school.  I think I was a form of popular in my own right.
I was kind.  It takes a lot to shock me, so people felt comfortable telling me anything.
It makes me sad that I couldn't appreciate who I was back then.  So, why is it so hard to appreciate who I am now?
Why perpetuate this stupid mobius strip of self hatred?
Is this brought on by society?  ("And this is society's fault because...?")
Do I feel less of a person because I am not the standard of beauty?
Is this a chemical imbalance that maybe I can help with medicine or chocolate?
And why do I always feel a little better writing my crazy thoughts out for random people to see?
Even in high school, I would write poems about my feelings on chalk boards or notebook paper that I would  "leave behind" in a classroom for "someone/anyone" to find.
Some people feel the need to purge themselves of food...I need to purge myself of emotions sometimes.
Weird. Maybe a little gross.
But I always like myself a little more afterward.  I love introspection.
So, right now I am wondering why I continue to allow myself to be abused in audition situations.
Does there come a point when it is just stupid that I keep trying? Are the people I audition for totally uncomfortable now when they see me because they know I am wasting my time and are too nice to tell me that to my face?
Or is what I am doing brave and admirable? Never give up. Never surrender.
I suppose its all perspective.
Although the definition of crazy is "doing the same thing repetitively and expecting different results."
I guess I am a little crazy.
I think I am okay with that....