So glad this is the last night

Current mood:  contemplative

It has been a long week of two show days where I haven't quite felt on my game.  Psyched out that I am older and heavier or just losing my love for the whole "goofy animal character" bit.  I just don't feel funny anymore and it makes the work a drag.

Also a lot of bad news came down the wire this week, deaths and such.  It always happens when I go on the road, of course.

I did get a call from Waterworks Theatre asking me to be a part of their fundraiser show next month.  They only want me to play Watchman 1 in the Dogberry scene from MUCH ADO, but I miss being among the theatre folk so much.  I haven't done a "legit" play since I did MUCH ADO.  I miss it.  I miss having a dressing room...even if the dressing room was a tent.

I miss having the audience come to me instead of me coming to the audience and then pissing the audience off because before and after the show we're in their way.

What?  You haven't packed up 3 minutes after the show?  But we have to feed latchkey kids in the EXACT spot you're in. 

Sigh.

I read a very inspiring article in my CREATIVE SCREENWRITING magazine about a husband and wife screenwriting team.  I want Jeff to read it and then buy me a giant dry erase board so we can worK like they do.  I think we can be like the great Jared & Jerusha Hess, or even the Nettles & Gamache or Caldwell and Pearson teams.

Look out cinema!  Its Floyd & Priskorn!!!

We need a writing retreat!

Major Self-Reevaluation Required

I have been a Brainstormer for almost 15 years now.  I can't understand why suddenly I am invisible or the Brainstormer that the kids don't like. 
Or maybe in my old age I am just suddenly aware of it.
I can do a show that I am extremely proud of and people will compliment the pretty Brainstormers on their stuff, hug them and pass me by.  There was one show where a new girl just played a walk-on role of a cop and carried the bad guy off...said nothing, but "you're under arrest".  The kids were all, "you were awesome as the cop."  Passed me by. 
I can be standing in between two other Brainstormers, they hug the first one, skip me and hug the last one.

I know I shouldn't let this kid rejection get to me.  But all of a sudden, its like the worst thing in the world.  I am used to being invisible in the real world.  I don't stand out in a crowd.  I know.  I am still adjusting to that.  But I was pretty sure the kids used to like me at least.

It could be the sudden onset of old age.  I have that nursing home smell of pee and confusion.  That's a real turn-off.

But I guess it just feels like I am entirely rejected now.  The one venue where I used to feel liked is now just a job with a high injury rate for me.

Why do I WANT to be an actor? To be told I am pretty?  To be fawned over?  That should NOT be the case.  It should just be because I have a need to share my talent with the world.  I am kinda sure that is my motivation.  Otherwise I wouldn't put up with the crap I do put up with on auditions and such. (ie, get a mirror and get a life)

But now that I am over 30, I may just need to change my perspective on things.  Its hard to let go of my fleeting youth.  I never really got to reap the benefits of it while I had it in this industry and now I have reformat myself?  I am way confused.

I don't know what my "type" is.  And I know I am a good writer, but I am so desperate to act that I even have writer's block right now and can't get stuff written in time for all the deadlines that are approaching me.

I need guidance.  I need to figure out where I am going and where I want to end up.  I need to stop comparing myself to the skinny, pretty girls I am constantly working with and start comparing myself to myself. 

Meh.  Easier said than done.

Tell me if you heard this one...

 

A girl goes on tour with the Brainstormers, causing her to miss out on a great audition opportunity.

Yeah, for once, this isn't about me.  My roomie Jordan is being tortured with the fact that a director of a movie is calling her back for a THIRD time needing to see her to determine which lead role to give her.  Suck city, she's stuck rooming with me in Battle Creek instead.  And the lobby of this hotel is under construction...dust and wallpaper glue everywhere...its rustic and charming, really...

Meanwhile, what I am missing while on tour,
My mother-in-law's AND father-in-law's birthday dinner,
Premiere of Ta-Ta's Last Stand at the Token lounge
Performance of my play Glass Slipper Size 8 1/2 in Fairport Harbor, Ohio
Syd's birthday AND being there for her upon the sudden death of her boyfriend Patrick.

It seems the scythe of death has been swinging unexpectedly a lot lately.  It's unnerving.

I just need this week to be over quickly.  Also, pray hard for those I know who have lost loved ones of late. 

One good thing...I AM able to get online this week...hooray...