Monday, July 13, 2009

I Hate Hating Myself

I preach a lot about not wasting your life hating yourself and your appearance, but I have spent most of today doing just that.
I feel fat. And that wouldn't be a huge deal aside from that fact that my line of work only seems to cater to the thin and attractive. This is the only line of work where you can go for a "job interview" (ie audition) and be told to your face that you are "perfect for the job, except we need someone thin and pretty in the role."
How am I to continue thinking I am a worthy human being when I am a talented person who can't use her talents unless she is beautiful? It seems ridiculous.
But I am not fat enough or funny looking enough to be the other roles that are out there either...
I should just become a reclusive writer. But I need to hear I am talented a lot. I need the "wow, that was great." It's so hard to get that when you never leave your house.
I am just so sad about everything today. My huge butt, my lack of work, my lack of motivation.
I can't get my lines down for the MMP show coming up on saturday. And in a way, I don't care. I hate the show and I hate the cast. I am just doing it as a favor and for a couple bucks at this point, I guess.
I don't really hate the cast. I just don't feel I can rely on anyone to keep the show moving should a line get dropped or something. I have a feeling we're going to stand there staring at one another in silence for a lot of the show...and that is like death, my friends.
Once I get past this first performance, I can focus more on writing and making my opportunities happen myself. But until then, this week has a dark cloud overhead.
I did a rare summer BS show today. It depressed me. I had no fun whatsoever. I think I am slowly getting my passion for performance killed. Doing the same crap over and over again can do that to you, I guess.
Writing and producing and making my own productions is my future.
I have a lot to offer. Any takers?

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