Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Filming and Thinking

There's been a lot going on in my life and I barely can think straight enough for a 120 character update on the facebook let alone a coherent blog here.

This week I drove to Wyandotte to film a few scenes in a film called MONSTERS. I played a nine months pregnant wife of an AWOL soldier.
After wearing all that weight, I thought I would feel skinny when I got it off. Nope. I feel like a whale lately.
Been eating a lot of chips and candy and MMP rehearsals. I love me some chocolate and it sits there and calls to me.
I have gained like 6 lbs since April and I am not proud of myself.
Hopefully I can remedy this situation soon. I hate feeling "fat" when what I am is just 1 lb overweight.

I had a thought about my obsession with being 100 lbs. Why would I want to go through my entire life hating who I am? What a waste of a beautiful life I had been granted to me by God. I may not be the "beauty" that turns heads. Or the model that I always wished I was. But I am me and that should be good enough. Life is short and you need to appreciate every second of it. Hating who you are is not only a big "F you" to God who made you, but a big "F you" to everyone else on Earth who does love you. Saying I am fat and ugly is basically saying my handsome husband couldn't do any better so he settled for this mess. Of course my husband COULD have done better. But, perhaps he would have lost out on more important aspects of love that he DOES get from someone like me.

But I don't want to wax philosophical. It makes me weepy which gives me a headache and then I suck at Bejeweled. :)

I start filming EDDIE AND THE ALTERNATE UNIVERSE this weekend. I have a small role, but its still my first EVER paid film role.
I am so excited and proud of that. I am looking forward to seeing this finished project.
I've actually worked on a lot of films lately that look like they might be great. I can't wait to see them and have a much more intriguing reel out of the deal.

I watched the Michael Jackson memorial yesterday.
I didn't think I would give a rat's ass. But it was moving to see how many people were moved by him. He had a lot of dark days in his life. And while no one deserves to die, I think he actually may have been ready. As his brother said, "Perhaps now they will leave you alone."
I have a hard time believing a lot of the bad things said about him while he was alive, but regardless if they were true or not, his music and his charity work changed and influenced lives that are now a little more empty with his passing. He had family. He had children. For people to say "good riddance" to someone's father. That's also a big "F you," to someone who is innocent of the sins of the person they loved.
I gave Jeff a book, that someday I should read too. It's called IF GRACE IS TRUE. It basically says, everyone will be welcomed into Heaven. That is what grace and forgiveness is all about.
I believe that Heaven is a place that is pure happiness and love. And there are evil people out there, true. But many of them had mothers. Fathers. Loved ones. And their evils may have broken their loved ones hearts, but some love cannot be destroyed. Like a mother's love. And why must the mother be punished for the evils of her child? (unless she helped create them) Why must she be separated from her love in Heaven. She will have the good part of her child's soul at least, I hope. The innocent shall not suffer. In the end.

Dammit, I am going all philosophical again.

Jeff and I have been using our crappy ass grill a lot this summer. We really want a new one, so perhaps we're spending more time in our yard to justify buying a new one. Grilling is awesome.

I have three plays going up at Boxfest this summer. COFFEE HOUSE BOOS, SQUISHER'S ATONEMENT and FAN-C-CUTS. As I get more info, I'll share it here.

Lots of people have been going on "big film" auditions. I am kind of sad my agents aren't submitting me for any roles. But I am more sad that my one agent refuses to return my calls and rest my fears and concerns about my "missing paycheck" from a voice over I did in March. The rules are, the client should pay you within 90 days. Its been over 100 days. I have called my agent 6 times and left 6 messages. No return call even to say, "Sorry, Jacquie. Apparently this client is a douche and isn't getting back to me about your check. But rest assured I am on it."
Nope. I am being ignored and am clearly not a useful client. I get sent on maybe one audition every 6-9 months and I usually get the gig when they send me. But I rarely if ever get paid on time and I get treated like a nuisance when I call to see what the dealio is. Its hard to not take that personally.
Anybody else deal with agency crap like this? Am I handling this all wrong or what?

I am sure there is a lot more to be said seeing as how I haven't blogged in a while...but who wants to sit here and read all this as it is, right?

I promise, more funny next time. I am just feeling a little dark and overwhelmed these days.

And hungry.

Big girls gotta eat!

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