I have been a Brainstormer for almost 15 years now. I can't understand why suddenly I am invisible or the Brainstormer that the kids don't like.
Or maybe in my old age I am just suddenly aware of it.
I can do a show that I am extremely proud of and people will compliment the pretty Brainstormers on their stuff, hug them and pass me by. There was one show where a new girl just played a walk-on role of a cop and carried the bad guy off...said nothing, but "you're under arrest". The kids were all, "you were awesome as the cop." Passed me by.
I can be standing in between two other Brainstormers, they hug the first one, skip me and hug the last one.
I know I shouldn't let this kid rejection get to me. But all of a sudden, its like the worst thing in the world. I am used to being invisible in the real world. I don't stand out in a crowd. I know. I am still adjusting to that. But I was pretty sure the kids used to like me at least.
It could be the sudden onset of old age. I have that nursing home smell of pee and confusion. That's a real turn-off.
But I guess it just feels like I am entirely rejected now. The one venue where I used to feel liked is now just a job with a high injury rate for me.
Why do I WANT to be an actor? To be told I am pretty? To be fawned over? That should NOT be the case. It should just be because I have a need to share my talent with the world. I am kinda sure that is my motivation. Otherwise I wouldn't put up with the crap I do put up with on auditions and such. (ie, get a mirror and get a life)
But now that I am over 30, I may just need to change my perspective on things. Its hard to let go of my fleeting youth. I never really got to reap the benefits of it while I had it in this industry and now I have reformat myself? I am way confused.
I don't know what my "type" is. And I know I am a good writer, but I am so desperate to act that I even have writer's block right now and can't get stuff written in time for all the deadlines that are approaching me.
I need guidance. I need to figure out where I am going and where I want to end up. I need to stop comparing myself to the skinny, pretty girls I am constantly working with and start comparing myself to myself.