Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Major Self-Reevaluation Required

I have been a Brainstormer for almost 15 years now.  I can't understand why suddenly I am invisible or the Brainstormer that the kids don't like. 
Or maybe in my old age I am just suddenly aware of it.
I can do a show that I am extremely proud of and people will compliment the pretty Brainstormers on their stuff, hug them and pass me by.  There was one show where a new girl just played a walk-on role of a cop and carried the bad guy off...said nothing, but "you're under arrest".  The kids were all, "you were awesome as the cop."  Passed me by. 
I can be standing in between two other Brainstormers, they hug the first one, skip me and hug the last one.

I know I shouldn't let this kid rejection get to me.  But all of a sudden, its like the worst thing in the world.  I am used to being invisible in the real world.  I don't stand out in a crowd.  I know.  I am still adjusting to that.  But I was pretty sure the kids used to like me at least.

It could be the sudden onset of old age.  I have that nursing home smell of pee and confusion.  That's a real turn-off.

But I guess it just feels like I am entirely rejected now.  The one venue where I used to feel liked is now just a job with a high injury rate for me.

Why do I WANT to be an actor? To be told I am pretty?  To be fawned over?  That should NOT be the case.  It should just be because I have a need to share my talent with the world.  I am kinda sure that is my motivation.  Otherwise I wouldn't put up with the crap I do put up with on auditions and such. (ie, get a mirror and get a life)

But now that I am over 30, I may just need to change my perspective on things.  Its hard to let go of my fleeting youth.  I never really got to reap the benefits of it while I had it in this industry and now I have reformat myself?  I am way confused.

I don't know what my "type" is.  And I know I am a good writer, but I am so desperate to act that I even have writer's block right now and can't get stuff written in time for all the deadlines that are approaching me.

I need guidance.  I need to figure out where I am going and where I want to end up.  I need to stop comparing myself to the skinny, pretty girls I am constantly working with and start comparing myself to myself. 

Meh.  Easier said than done.

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